This rose will never die....

Striking Steuben glass rose heart.



My Lady D'Arbanville
Why do you sleep so still?
I'll wake you tomorrow
And you will be my fill
Yes you will be my fill

This 1970 hit has been considered one of the best love songs of the last decades of the XXth century. Its author, the young English musician and songwriter, Cat Stevens, wrote it in the pangs of pain caused by a short separation from his sweetheart.

The story behind it, from the Wikipaedia, tells about Cat Stevens falling in love with "a very young American woman who was pursuing a modeling career, by her own account about 14 years old at the time, named Patti D'Arbanville. The two began dating over a period of more than a year. D'Arbanville stayed with him whenever she was in London, but often found her career taking her to Paris, and New York City. Unfortunately, after over a year with her, Stevens was willing to invest more in a serious relationship than his young, ambitious girlfriend. It was on such a foray to New York that she heard his song about her on the airwaves. Her reaction was one of sadness. She said, "I just have to be by myself for a while to do what I want to do. It's good to be alone sometimes. Look, Steven wrote that song [Lady D'Arbanville by Cat Stevens] when I left for New York. I left for a month, it wasn't the end of the world was it? But he wrote this whole song about 'Lady D'Arbanville, why do you sleep so still.' It's about me dead. So while I was in New York, for him it was like I was lying in a coffin... he wrote that because he missed me, because he was down... It's a sad song." D'Arbanville continues,"I cried when I heard it, because that's when I knew it was over for good." [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lady_D'Arbanville]

If you wish to hear the actual song by Cat Stevens, with "a guitar that gently weeps" along with him: http://youtu.be/vjfI3uSN8DQ

But thus said, it sets the reflection about the eternal plight of impossible love affairs. He had the crush on a lady who was not able to understand his intensity and the whole affair ended in a predictable manner. Those stories are the stuff movies, novels, poems and such are made of. Is sad and painful when that happens in real life but there is a silver lining over them because if the person is able to let go, something new and most of the time much better will come his/her way. Many times the best thing that happens to such relationships is when the crush crashes... some things are not meant to have a long life at all, and there is a wise reason behind, even if the pain of a broken dream itches a long time after it has happened.

My Lady D'Arbanville
Why does it grieve me so?
But your heart seems so silent
Why do you breathe so low?
Why do you breathe so low?
[....]

What is much worse is when a relation happens only to slowly sour year after year to the point of the together alone-ness. Aging, growing, health and sickness are facts of life and many healthy couples go through them as a team, sowing blessings even from the roughest of rides. But those that end in the living dead state of the together alone-ness seem to be unable to flow and roll with whatever live dishes to them.

....your heart seems so silent
Why do you breathe so low?

It could be a violent process or a slow eroding one. Maybe five or seven years went by with ups and downs soothed by a mutual attitude of respect and love. One day one of them stops pulling his/her weight. Sometimes it comes with a shocking announcement, sometimes is just an eloquent attitude of expecting the other to do all....refusing to address any emotional issue. The severed member of the couple has no doubt that things have changed and not exactly to continue growing together.

They grow apart when a hidden sickness of the soul develops. Autistic traits in all degrees of severity went undiagnosed in adults now in their sixties or older... and that does not spare them from that "different" mental wiring that makes them emotionally cold and distant when not irrationally aggressive. It might be the dry drunk syndrome, when the imbibing of alcohol is controlled but the 12 Steps aiming to transform the self centered, highly insecure, obsessive-compulsive personality into a strong spiritual caring, service-oriented person were never embraced as a life path.

Individuals raised in extremely repressed societies, non assumed homosexuality can also grow as a wedge between the couple. More often than not the receiving end of an inexplicable hatred will suffer it in silence, wondering what was the sin that merited such a continuous punishment. If just the other one admitted what is going on inside...but blaming the other for everything that happens solves nothing, yet is easier.

All the array of narcissistic and controlling personalities destroy relationships inside out, to the point that a hollow shell is all what is left standing. Seeking some "attention" is perceived as the most "irrational" demand an individual can place as part of a couple, seen from this sick perspective. Is not much fun to be around an individual that can only identify the emotions that go from strongly upset to anger into rage. A fairly normal individual might wait until there is a short time to share with the spouse to be as unavailable and unpleasant as possible, returning to "normality" as soon as the work shift starts. All the above might be desguised with the "perfect" excuses: always turning it against the neglected spouse i.e. blamed for being so "expensive" to maintain. Listening to the other side will be unthinklably outrageous. There is only one point of view: mine or the highway. Causing pain is cheap. And having a captive whipping post is the cheapest way of all.

Unfortunately a separation many times is easier said than done. Age, the strict religious observance, the fear of loneliness, financial reasons and a wide spectrum of unfortunate situations may get together to deter a merciful end to the nightmare. If the couple lives in opposite sides of the house, maybe even in different houses, with incompatible schedules and activities that never bring them close, avoiding the normality of getting together, never sharing meaningful conversations and abundant quality time together the covenant of the marriage is broken. Living the life of single yet married individual is not the reason most people get married. Those with the misfortune to be involved in one of these together alone relations regard the trampled dreams of a young love as nothing compared with the pain of living, day in and day out, isolated with a cold and hostile marble statue.

My Lady D'Arbanville
You look so cold tonight
Your lips feel like winter
Your skin has turned to white
Your skin has turned to white
[....]

Unresolved issues does not get solved by avoiding to discuss and address them in a positive way. The dark list is long and varied, but gives the unmistakable feeling of the dead end of a severe winter.

No wonder the drainage of defending a sane psyche from a living dead results many times in the premature death of the sensitive side of the couple. Sadly some have even taken their lives when they find there is no exit. Were the icy spouse to die first, the grieving process of the sensitive survivor -if any, just sad for all the good times wasted- is mixed with a sense of liberation. Many have accepted reluctantly to have wished more than once the hostile spouse were dead and gone. At least to feel the hope of a second chance in love.

Of all pains there is no one more cruel and bordering in the unbearable than the one inflicted by someone we linked our life to, by our own free will, looking forward to grow in love and understanding and to be for each other a safe haven, just to find down the road all soured up beyond further repair.

I loved you my Lady
Though in your grave you lie
I'll always be with you
This rose will never die
This rose will never die
[....]

This was a subject my father and I discussed more than once and none of us found an adequate closing. As Christians we never felt to come close to a satisfying explanation for these ugly situations. We both knew first hand about it and recognized that despite the emotional distance -many times actual physical distance-the coldness, the lack of intimacy, the absence of nurturing communication and the painful process of falling apart, deep in the grieving heart of the hurt sensitive spouse was still a silent glowing ember for the loved one now lost.

We understood what Cat Stevens was talking about when he wrote to his Lady D'Arbanville: this rose will never die